I AM THE MEDICINE

The Trip that changed Everything

It happened hours before I boarded a flight to Scotland. I usually forget my dreams the moment I wake up, but this one was burned into my mind like a brand.

I was in a desert, flanked by canyons like a scene from an old Western movie. I walked into a greenhouse, and the dank, pungent smell of cannabis hit me instantly. Inside, everyone was smiling. Reggae music was jamming. The vibes were immaculate. It looked like the utopia I had always wanted.

And then, in a split second, the faces around me twisted into masks of sheer panic. I followed their gaze upward and saw a biblical comet hurtling toward us. It made impact only thirty meters away. The fire spread instantly, prickling the hair on my arms. The heat was real. The terror was real.

I woke up shaking. At the time, I thought it was just a nightmare. Now, I know it was a prophecy. The comet was the Truth. And that comfortable, happy greenhouse? That was the illusion of the life I had built—a life that looked good on paper but was about to be obliterated.

I wasn’t going to Scotland for a vacation. I was going for a three-day psychedelic retreat with a man I had met on a plane months earlier. Most people would call this the start of a horror movie. I called it following the breadcrumbs of the Universe.

I had already quit the soul-sucking job. I had left the unsupportive relationship. I had done the "basic" self-help work. But I knew there was one final gatekeeper I had to face before I could truly be free.

I had to face my Shadow.

We love to talk about "Love and Light" in the spiritual community. We love to buy crystals and sage our apartments. But we are terrified of the dark. We are terrified of the parts of ourselves that are messy, jealous, angry, and vindictive. But here is the Sovereign Truth: You cannot heal what you refuse to look at.

Meeting my Sexy Badass Shadow - My partner in crime: Loki

During the retreat, the medicine cracked me open. I saw my six-year-old self—the Queen of the Universe—clear as day. She was innocent, powerful, and ready to play. But standing in front of her was a protector.

My shadow wasn’t a monster. My shadow was a Viking god. His name was Loki.

Loki was the trickster. He was sarcastic, defensive, and brilliant at hurting people before they could hurt me. For forty years, Loki had been running the show. He was my armor. He protected that little girl by stabbing anyone who got too close.

But armor that protects you eventually becomes a prison that suffocates you. Loki had kept me safe, but he was also keeping me lonely. He was keeping me in a victim mindset, blaming the world for my pain instead of taking accountability for my power.

On the last day of the retreat, I looked Loki in the eye in my internal mirror. I didn't banish him. I didn't fight him. I thanked him. "I love you, Loki," I told him. "Thank you for protecting me when I was small and scared. But I am not scared anymore. I am the Master now. You follow my orders. We dance on my terms."

In the mirror, Loki smiled. He was relieved. He was tired of fighting my battles. He was ready to rest.

"I Am A Healer"

On the flight back home, a voice in my gut whispered something I didn't understand: "I am a healer."

Me? A healer? I was a corporate project manager with a Finance degree and a mouth like a sailor. I was the person who triggered people, not the person who soothed them.

But the voice persisted. So, I did what I always do: I researched. I typed "psychedelic healer" into Google, and there she was. Maria Sabina.

She was a Mazatec shaman from Mexico, a tiny, wrinkled woman who lived in an earthen hut and introduced the Western world to the magic of mushrooms. She changed the lives of rock stars and millionaires, yet she died poor and humble. She didn't care about fame. She cared about the sacred.

And then I found her words, written like a message in a bottle specifically for me:

"Heal yourself, with beautiful love, and always remember: you are the medicine."

The Great Remembering

That phrase hit my body like a lightning bolt. I am the medicine.

We spend our whole lives looking for the medicine outside of ourselves. We look for it in validation from men. We look for it in the next promotion. We look for it in a guru, a therapist, or a pill. We wait for a savior to come down from the sky (or into our DMs) and fix us.

But no one is coming to save you. And that is the most liberating news you will ever hear.

Because if no one is coming to save you, it means you have the power to save yourself. It means you already have the blueprint, the map, and the cure inside your own DNA. Being a "healer" doesn't mean you have to fix other people. It means you become so thoroughly, unapologetically Yourself that your very presence gives others permission to do the same.

The Integration

The real work didn't happen in the psychedelic retreat. It happened in the weeks after, when I was back in my apartment, doing the laundry. It’s called Integration.

Integration is where the magic becomes real. It’s when you take the insights from the mountaintop and weave them into the valley of your daily life. It’s when you feel the trigger rise up—the urge to let Loki lash out—and you pause. You breathe. And you choose a different response.

I realized that my "poison"—my intensity, my truth-telling, my sensitivity—was actually my medicine. I just had to learn how to dose it correctly.

Your Turn

You don't need to fly to Scotland or take a hero dose to find your medicine. You just need to stop running from your shadow. You need to stop waiting for the comet to hit your comfortable illusions. Burn them down yourself. Look in the mirror. Introduce yourself to your shadow. And remember:

You are the Queen (or King) of your internal Universe. You are the problem. And you are the solution.

📓 JOURNALING PROMPTS FOR THIS CHAPTER

Shadow work is best done with a pen in hand. Be brave.

1. The Grief List: What version of your past self are you ready to grieve, thank, and release? What "masks" (the Good Girl, the High Achiever, the Victim) are now too small for who you are becoming?

2. Naming the Shadow: If your shadow had a name (like my Loki), what would it be? Is it a jagged protector? A silent sulker? A rage-filled dragon? Describe its voice and how it has tried to keep you "safe."

3. The Whisper: What intuitive message keeps repeating in your quiet moments? (e.g., "I am an artist," "Leave him," "Go home"). What would happen if you actually believed it?

🛠 PRACTICAL TOOL: The Shadow Contract

This is a ritual to move from being controlled by your shadow to leading it.

1. Write a Letter to Your Shadow. Address it by name (invent one if you haven't yet).

2. The Thank You. List three specific times in your life where your shadow protected you. (Did your anger save you from a boundary violation? Did your jealousy show you what you wanted?). Thank it. This is crucial. You cannot integrate what you hate.

3. The Demotion. firmly write the new terms of your relationship.

   • Example: "Thank you, Loki. But I am the CEO of this body now. You are the consultant. I will call on you when I need to burn something down, but until then, sit down and drink your tea."

4. Read it aloud. Read it in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eye. Feel the shift in authority.